Executive Relationship Coaching
Balance success in love, intimacy & life
Balance success in love, intimacy & life
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Are You Considering or Recovering from Divorce?
Your results in life and in relationships are far more under your control than you probably think.
Here at Executive Relationship Coaching, we truly understand the dynamics and energetics of relationships. We have both been through painful marriage break-ups. Through self-development and education, we have learned, accepted and moved on from the past. We found our authentic selves which, in turn, allowed us to attract and enjoy the enlightened and empowering relationship that we now share.
Within our A.U.T.H.E.N.T.I.C. transformation process are all the key ingredients that you need to either turn your marriage around, or move on from it with acceptance, understanding, empowerment and grace.
We consider our coaching and mentoring services as the best form of ‘Marriage Insurance’ that there is. Ideally, the benefits of this would be had before the wedding. Yet, at any stage of a relationship or separation it remains entirely beneficial and transformational.
We are not especially pro-marriage or pro-divorce. We are pro-getting you in control of your life and happiness.
Your relationship outcomes are at the mercy of poor energy, negative thoughts and unhelpful habitual reactions to situations. These are the primary causes of disconnection, separation and divorce.
It does not have to be this way! Read on to find out how to take back control of your life and enjoy success in relationships.
On this page, we discuss:
How Your Energy Gets You Your Relationship Results
One of the worst feelings associated with separation and divorce is a sense of hopelessness and a lack of power or control over the situation. Feelings of Guilt, Shame, Blame, Despair or Humiliation are the lowest levels of energy that as humans we can experience. Left unattended, these feelings can lead to depression and worse.
Feeling frightened, anxious or regretful in this situation are actually higher (healthier) levels of energy than Guilt, Shame Blame, Despair or Humiliation. Such feelings can be experienced as you start to recover from a painful split with your partner, or they maybe early warning signs of what is to come.
Anger, aggression and even hate, believe it or not, whilst not entirely healthy, are higher still in our ‘map of consciousness*’ and are only just below pride, empowerment and courage, which are the pivotal points above which life becomes optimistic and trusting once again. Below courage (200 on the map of consciousness) is what we call ‘The Road To Fear**’ or being ‘in the red’. Above 200 is the ‘Road to Love**’, peace and even spiritual fulfilment (if that is a path you wish to take) – this we call being ‘in the green’. These emotional states are on a continuum. This means that whilst you are in any way in the red (on the Road To Fear’) you cannot be experiencing Love, Peace or even Happiness.
These energies that we all experience are the key to our happiness and fulfilment. They fuel our physiology and behaviour. When were are experiencing low energies, they become the triggers to Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness and Stonewalling (not speaking) which extensive research*** has shown to be the four main reasons for disconnection and ultimately separation and divorce amongst couples. Such behaviours are as a result of a downward spiral in your energy & emotional state as follows:
Boredom --> Doubt --> Pessimism --> Anxiety --> Worry --> Judgement --> Blame --> Overwhelm --> Neediness --> Jealousy --> Frustration --> Anger --> Hate --> Revenge --> Grief --> Helplessness --> Worse
Other destructive behaviours include: controlling behaviour (overt & covert control, which takes many sometimes subtle and surprising forms), over-reactions, neediness, addictive behaviours and lastly, complicity in allowing a partner to exhibit these tendencies. What is said to underpin all of these behaviours on ‘the road to fear’ is not feeling good enough, or feeling inadequate. This can lead to a fear of rejection or pleasing behaviour that can become ‘engulfment’ and loss of identity.
Married, engaged or cohabiting couples say that no matter how long they have been together, what they argue about most is 'money'. It is central to many decisions but it is usually the underlying issues, such as control and commitment, which are really behind the arguments about money and are underpinned by where your energy levels are.
Do you catch yourself thinking, reacting to or doing things that you know are not helpful? Research has shown that we typically have 60,000 thoughts per day, of which 70-85% are negative.
There is a saying that ‘thoughts become things’. In more detail, it is that thoughts affect our emotions and feelings, which in turn affect our behaviour – our actions and reactions, which ultimately affect our outcomes in life. Thoughts interact with our beliefs, experiences, emotions and learned behaviours from the past. This is known as our ‘programming’ and largely determines how we react in situations. These reactions become habitual and can often be unhelpful or downright self-sabotaging and destructive.
It IS possible to learn how not to react and how not to self-sabotage - through understanding our beliefs, re-programming the unhelpful behaviours learned from our role models in our ‘formative years’ and by learning how to quieten and control our thoughts, .
At Executive Relationship Coaching, we give you the understanding and teach you the techniques to take back control of your energy levels and your thoughts, eliminating unhelpful habits or (over)reactions. In this way, the downwards spiral can be reversed and turned into an upwards spiral, with magical affects on your relationship and levels of connection, as follows:
Contentment --> Happiness --> Optimism --> Positivity --> Trust --> Enthusiasm --> Passion --> Self-love --> Appreciation --> Unconditional Love --> Freedom --> Bliss --> Peace --> Spirituality
Just imagine for a moment, the difference in your relationship when both of you are in a place of Happiness, Trust, Self-Love and Appreciation, compared to when either or both of you are Anxious, Judging, Blaming, Frustrated, Angry or Worse.
There is a second type of energy. This is the level of masculine or feminine energy that you display. This type of energy governs the ‘polarity’ or the spark of sexual chemistry in your relationship. Within this often controversial aspect of relationship theory (and reality) are our roles within the relationship. In today’s society, equality, emancipation and emasculation can all provide big challenges to relationships [Did I mention that it gets controversial?!]. We all have both masculine and feminine energy and can show up in either energy at different times within the relationship – sometimes to great effect and at other times causing friction or disconnection.
Our energy state is a choice that we make. Whilst we are unaware that it is under our control, we tend to blame it on external factors including other people. We are only truly in choice once we understand, accept and take responsibility for what affects our energy, how to choose to be in great energy and how our energy affects our behaviour and those around us.
Are you aligned to your true values in life and those of your partner or any future partner?
In the fast paced modern world, with so many pressures seemingly thrust upon us, so many of us are operating on auto-pilot and simply trying to keep up with the pace of life. Our focus seems to be on simply surviving, or if not in survival mode, then the focus is often on money, accomplishments, status,, achievement and material things.
It is often the case that we actually value things in life which we rarely take time to connect with and focus our attention on. Time spent understanding your values is rarely wasted, as for most of us, our programmed beliefs and behaviours are not in alignment with who we really are. The things that truly inspire us, motivate us and make us true are often suppressed and hidden.
Successful business people often reach a point, call it a mid-life crisis, where what used to keep them happy, motivated and feeling successful, no longer seems so important. Or they reach a point where it feels impossible to balance success at work with a happy relationship, family and home-life. Maybe their values have changed, maybe they have finally been unearthed after a period of denial, chasing false dreams that do not lead to fulfilment….? Awareness of our true selves is the key here.
Even when your home-life and relationship seems great, it can get a bit stale or reach a plateau. Maybe you both would like to explore what more there is, what higher levels of connection and understanding can be achieved. All of this is possible and highly enlightening. Through our values elicitation tool and giving you an understanding of each other’s motivations and human needs – connection, communication and intimacy can sky-rocket!
If you are single (again), this level of self-awareness is what leads to selecting an ideal partner next time around. Knowing what you want (and what you don’t want), plus distinguishing between must-haves and ‘nice-to-haves’, avoids the selection mistakes of the past and breaks the cycle.
Are you learning from your experiences?
As far back as 1983, behavioural scientists found that they were able to predict, with over 90 percent accuracy, what was going to happen to a relationship over a three-year period just by examining their physiology and behaviour during a conflict discussion, and later just from an interview about how the couple viewed their past. The scientists found almost identical patterns of behaviour existed for couples four years later (those that had not already split up) – in 69% of cases the same topics were causing conflict. So no learning or helpful modifications in behaviour and communication had occurred. These same scientists went on to develop an understanding of why relationships fail and how to avoid the common causes of relationship failure i.e: Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.
Communication is only 7% about the words that you use; 38% is your tonality and a massive 55% is your physiology (body language). As well as your thoughts, we can teach you how to master your tonality and body-language in order to enjoy massively different results, not only in your intimacy, but in every day communication.
Taking full responsibility for your outcomes and learning is essential if the mistakes of the past are to be avoided. Consider this: if you feel fair or even noble by accepting 50% of the blame for the failure of your relationship – are you also denying 50% of the responsibility too? Successfully moving on and avoiding making the same mistakes can only be guaranteed if you both take 100% responsibility for yourselves and do not blame or try to change your partner.
An extended study of couples over 20 years found a different group of people, who did not display heated conflicts and ‘red’ behaviour, but who surprisingly started divorcing after 16-22 years. These people were typically calm, in control of their lives and ‘pillars of the community’. Typically, these divorces caused much surprise amongst the couple’s peer group. On revisiting the initial videotapes interviews, the scientists discovered a lack of obvious love and connection – a kind of neutral relationship, lacking in affection and humour. This demonstrates both a lack of ‘green-ness’, lack of blue-pink polarity and possibly complacency. Separate research has identified the number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict. Honesty and openness is a must.
An understanding of this pink and blue sexual energy, when combined with managing where you are on the red-green continuum, will turn around your success in relationships. It also allows you to accept, take responsibility and move on from previous relationship failures.
The final important piece of the scientist’s research was that as well as (i) handling conflict, (ii) friendship, humour and intimacy, (iii) there was a third important factor in relationship success: a joint sense of purpose and meaning. Here at Executive Relationship Coaching, we have many years of expertise in helping our clients to identify their true purpose. We facilitate the creation of shared vision, under-pinned by a clear understanding of values, through our process to elicit your values and all the underlying motivating factors.
Is Divorce Inevitable?
Each year there are some 270,000 marriages in the UK and 150,000 divorces. Each year divorce directly affects 80,000 more children – more than a million children are affected by divorce in the UK. In the Western World there are 20,000 divorces per week – that’s 1,000,000 per year.
The reasons given for divorce (as filed at the courts) is 45% Unreasonable Behaviour and 21% Adultery. The reality that 80% of relationships suffer from infidelity, as a result of an inability to keep off ‘the road to fear’ and its associated behaviours, plus the inevitable consequences of loss of connection and lack of a healthy, balanced polarity in the relationship.
The grass can often seem greener elsewhere, especially when there is a misalignment between partners’ values, compounded by ‘red’ behaviour, both leading to severe disconnection. When in a state of fear, anxiety or depression, things always seem worse than they are, and we tend to focus on negatives and blow them out of proportion. In this state of mind, failure becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Before making any decisions, a rational view of the whole state of the relationship is required.
Some of us unfortunately get together for entirely the wrong reasons (without any rational basis). Others of us have started to understand ourselves better and have changed, or maybe we realise that we don’t understand ourselves and decide to change our lives in order to ‘find ourselves’. In either case, this can lead to one person (or both) in the relationship changing and growing apart from the other.
So for some of us, ending a relationship with grace, understanding and acceptance is the best option.
When contemplating staying together for the kids, or when there is a clear determination from both parties to make it work, then developing a deep understanding of each other’s needs and values is essential. There are 6 fundamental human needs, plus we all have dozens of values and valued activities that compete for our attention. In all cases of value or need, we can meet that value or need in a ‘red’ way that can be considered unhealthy and likely to cause relationship stress, or we can meet them in a more healthy ‘green’ way.
There are relationship therapists who believe most marriages are worth saving. It is certainly the case that through the power of truth, firstly with yourself and then with your spouse or partner, there are few problems that are insurmountable. A majority of marriages fail due to lack of communication, lack of affection, criticism/nagging and contempt, as opposed to the more serious issues where they are better off terminated for the health and well-being of everyone involved.
Here at Executive Relationship Coaching, we can show you how you are meeting your human needs right now - the positive and negative effects on your relationship, plus we have a process to elicit your values and underlying motivations, which again can have different effects on your level of connection with others. This is a sophisticated process that can lead to dramatic insights and decisions made to improve your and your partner’s experience of life and each other, with immediate effect.
Be the change that you want to see…..
Can I overcome infidelity… an affair?
The bottom line on affairs and infidelity is that they are down to one or most likely both partners not getting their needs met. At a more subtle level there is likely to be a misalignment in each other’s values as well.
As a result, one or most likely both partners are getting their needs met in an unhealthy way – which is what infidelity is. The act of infidelity gets branded as sacrilege against the marriage vows and trust in the relationships – which it is. Yet, in the cold light of day, infidelity is simply one manifestation of getting unfulfilled needs met. Whilst we do not condone or trivialise infidelity, in many ways, it is a similar response as Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness and Stonewalling, or some of the addictive behaviours that we adopt when we are not happy and seeking external stimulation, such as over eating, drinking, gambling, pornography etc.
When you work on yourself, so that you can meet your needs in healthy way, you climb out of the red and into the green (see above). From a green perspective, it is possible to show love, understanding and compassion, for yourself and your partner, seeing through their behaviour. From this perspective, anything is possible – including overcoming infidelity.
Does Divorce Lead to Happiness?
Getting divorced does not necessarily lead to happiness. In fact, the two are not really linked at all. The wounds can last for several years, as can the nagging doubt over doing it better next time, or the entrenchment of ‘never again’. It is vital to regain any lost identity and in fact find your true identity, cut emotional ties with any negative past emotions. When it is impossible not to see your ex, you don’t have the luxury of time to help the healing process – so only understanding and acceptance will work.
The terrible divorce statistics for first marriages (fast approaching 50% failure rate), only get worse second (65% failure) and third time around (75% failure).
Research in the USA has indicated that divorced individuals are no happier 5 years after their divorce, than when they were getting divorced (even those that had remarried). Divorce did not typically reduce symptoms of depression, raise self-esteem, or increase a sense of mastery. The same study showed that five years later, two thirds of those on the verge of divorce, who stayed together, were in fact significantly happier [Note: the research showed an improvement in happiness, as opposed to high levels of happiness]. Three reasons were given for this: (i) enduring problems… which eventually eased, (ii) working to solve problems, change behaviour, or improve communication, (iii) the individuals finding alternative ways to improve their own happiness and build a good and happy life despite a mediocre marriage (in this study, three out of four unhappily married adults were married to someone who was happy with the marriage).
OK, so divorce is not, at least in itself, the answer to a happier future!
In our experience, only truth and learning can set you free from the past and ensure that the future is brighter. Whilst time can gradually reduced the intensity and rawness of any feelings, it takes learning to do things differently to create an empowering new future.
What are you teaching your children?
Family Dynamics shows us how the experience of Love that a child has, is the sum of the amount of love experienced between the child and its parents and the love between the parents. So, if Mum and Dad are only experiencing Love at a 2 out of ten (2/10), Dad and little Johnny are a 5/10 and Mum and Johnny connect at 8/10 then Johnny’s overall experience of Love is 15/30 – far less than you would hope for him and not a great basis from which he can experience relationships and bring his own children into the world.
Dr Patrick Dixon, author of ‘The Rising Price of Love’ states: “We now know that children from divorced homes are four times more likely to have problems with behaviour, nightmares, bedwetting, and stomach pains. They do worse in the classroom and are more prone to depression…. They are more likely to leave home early or run away, to leave school with no qualifications. They are more likely to get into early relationships, to get pregnant as teenagers, to marry early and then get divorced…. Where children have experienced several break-ups they are ten times as likely to have severe behavioural problems.”
The children of divorced parents are almost twice as likely to repeat the past that they grew up with and become divorced themselves. Some parents say "I wish I knew then what I know now" when looking back and regretting the impact of divorce upon their children.
How Can I Make the Changes I Need To Make?
If you have read the above text, then you will appreciate that there are answers and solutions to all of the relationships issues surrounding separation and divorce. There is no quick fix – however, there is a process, which at the end of the day is relatively simple and can be made easy and enjoyable with commitment from yourself and, if you are together, your partner.
The key to change and unlocking the full potential of yourself and your relationship is within our A.U.T.H.E.N.T.I.C. transformation process. The first steps are awareness, understanding and acceptance.
With an awareness of: (i) where you are starting from, (ii) your situation being far from unusual or unique, (iii) a glimpse of what is possible, (iv) decisions on where you would like to get to, plus (v) the determination to make lasting positive change – all things are possible.
To avoid the pain that separation and divorce causes, whatever your sitiuation, this is what you need to do:
STEP 1 - Invest in our Values Elicitation tool and process. As well as the tool, we include 90 minutes of coaching and mentoring, to make sure you get the most from it. Your investment is: £175.
STEP 2 - get your education by attending our workshops. We recommend our complete package of three workshops, lasting 6 days in total.
STEP 3 – Take some 1:1 coaching to fine tune your requirements and the best support tht we can give you.
We have packaged these 3 steps into our complete Authentic Transformation Package, priced at only £847, that's a saving of £180. Click here to book your Authentic Transformation.
To read more about the benefits of our approach, click here.
Click here to go back to the top of the page
*The Map of Consciousness is a concept developed by Dr David Hawkins, form his book ‘Power vs. Force – The Hidden Determinants of Human Behaviour’, published by Hay House
**The ‘Road To Fear’ and ‘The Road To Love’, being ‘in the red’ or ‘in the green’ are concepts originally developed by Tony Vee, www.tonyandnickivee.com
***The four causes of relationship failure comes from research at ‘The Love Lab’ and work by John Gottman, including a talk: ‘The Mathematics of Love’ and his book “10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage”
Here at Executive Relationship Coaching, we truly understand the dynamics and energetics of relationships. We have both been through painful marriage break-ups. Through self-development and education, we have learned, accepted and moved on from the past. We found our authentic selves which, in turn, allowed us to attract and enjoy the enlightened and empowering relationship that we now share.
Within our A.U.T.H.E.N.T.I.C. transformation process are all the key ingredients that you need to either turn your marriage around, or move on from it with acceptance, understanding, empowerment and grace.
We consider our coaching and mentoring services as the best form of ‘Marriage Insurance’ that there is. Ideally, the benefits of this would be had before the wedding. Yet, at any stage of a relationship or separation it remains entirely beneficial and transformational.
We are not especially pro-marriage or pro-divorce. We are pro-getting you in control of your life and happiness.
Your relationship outcomes are at the mercy of poor energy, negative thoughts and unhelpful habitual reactions to situations. These are the primary causes of disconnection, separation and divorce.
It does not have to be this way! Read on to find out how to take back control of your life and enjoy success in relationships.
On this page, we discuss:
- How Your Energy Gets You Your Relationship Results – Including Divorce & Separation
- Are You Aligned to Your True Values in Life…. and What About Those Marriage Vows?
- Are You Learning From Your Experiences, or Are They Wasted?
- Is Divorce Inevitable?
- Can I Overcome Infidelity… Affairs of the Heart?
- Does Divorce Lead to Happiness?
- What Are You Teaching Your Children?
- How Can I Make the Changes I Need To Make?
How Your Energy Gets You Your Relationship Results
One of the worst feelings associated with separation and divorce is a sense of hopelessness and a lack of power or control over the situation. Feelings of Guilt, Shame, Blame, Despair or Humiliation are the lowest levels of energy that as humans we can experience. Left unattended, these feelings can lead to depression and worse.
Feeling frightened, anxious or regretful in this situation are actually higher (healthier) levels of energy than Guilt, Shame Blame, Despair or Humiliation. Such feelings can be experienced as you start to recover from a painful split with your partner, or they maybe early warning signs of what is to come.
Anger, aggression and even hate, believe it or not, whilst not entirely healthy, are higher still in our ‘map of consciousness*’ and are only just below pride, empowerment and courage, which are the pivotal points above which life becomes optimistic and trusting once again. Below courage (200 on the map of consciousness) is what we call ‘The Road To Fear**’ or being ‘in the red’. Above 200 is the ‘Road to Love**’, peace and even spiritual fulfilment (if that is a path you wish to take) – this we call being ‘in the green’. These emotional states are on a continuum. This means that whilst you are in any way in the red (on the Road To Fear’) you cannot be experiencing Love, Peace or even Happiness.
These energies that we all experience are the key to our happiness and fulfilment. They fuel our physiology and behaviour. When were are experiencing low energies, they become the triggers to Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness and Stonewalling (not speaking) which extensive research*** has shown to be the four main reasons for disconnection and ultimately separation and divorce amongst couples. Such behaviours are as a result of a downward spiral in your energy & emotional state as follows:
Boredom --> Doubt --> Pessimism --> Anxiety --> Worry --> Judgement --> Blame --> Overwhelm --> Neediness --> Jealousy --> Frustration --> Anger --> Hate --> Revenge --> Grief --> Helplessness --> Worse
Other destructive behaviours include: controlling behaviour (overt & covert control, which takes many sometimes subtle and surprising forms), over-reactions, neediness, addictive behaviours and lastly, complicity in allowing a partner to exhibit these tendencies. What is said to underpin all of these behaviours on ‘the road to fear’ is not feeling good enough, or feeling inadequate. This can lead to a fear of rejection or pleasing behaviour that can become ‘engulfment’ and loss of identity.
Married, engaged or cohabiting couples say that no matter how long they have been together, what they argue about most is 'money'. It is central to many decisions but it is usually the underlying issues, such as control and commitment, which are really behind the arguments about money and are underpinned by where your energy levels are.
Do you catch yourself thinking, reacting to or doing things that you know are not helpful? Research has shown that we typically have 60,000 thoughts per day, of which 70-85% are negative.
| One in four women and one in six men will experience domestic violence in their lifetime |
There is a saying that ‘thoughts become things’. In more detail, it is that thoughts affect our emotions and feelings, which in turn affect our behaviour – our actions and reactions, which ultimately affect our outcomes in life. Thoughts interact with our beliefs, experiences, emotions and learned behaviours from the past. This is known as our ‘programming’ and largely determines how we react in situations. These reactions become habitual and can often be unhelpful or downright self-sabotaging and destructive.
It IS possible to learn how not to react and how not to self-sabotage - through understanding our beliefs, re-programming the unhelpful behaviours learned from our role models in our ‘formative years’ and by learning how to quieten and control our thoughts, .
At Executive Relationship Coaching, we give you the understanding and teach you the techniques to take back control of your energy levels and your thoughts, eliminating unhelpful habits or (over)reactions. In this way, the downwards spiral can be reversed and turned into an upwards spiral, with magical affects on your relationship and levels of connection, as follows:
Contentment --> Happiness --> Optimism --> Positivity --> Trust --> Enthusiasm --> Passion --> Self-love --> Appreciation --> Unconditional Love --> Freedom --> Bliss --> Peace --> Spirituality
Just imagine for a moment, the difference in your relationship when both of you are in a place of Happiness, Trust, Self-Love and Appreciation, compared to when either or both of you are Anxious, Judging, Blaming, Frustrated, Angry or Worse.
There is a second type of energy. This is the level of masculine or feminine energy that you display. This type of energy governs the ‘polarity’ or the spark of sexual chemistry in your relationship. Within this often controversial aspect of relationship theory (and reality) are our roles within the relationship. In today’s society, equality, emancipation and emasculation can all provide big challenges to relationships [Did I mention that it gets controversial?!]. We all have both masculine and feminine energy and can show up in either energy at different times within the relationship – sometimes to great effect and at other times causing friction or disconnection.
Our energy state is a choice that we make. Whilst we are unaware that it is under our control, we tend to blame it on external factors including other people. We are only truly in choice once we understand, accept and take responsibility for what affects our energy, how to choose to be in great energy and how our energy affects our behaviour and those around us.
Are you aligned to your true values in life and those of your partner or any future partner?
In the fast paced modern world, with so many pressures seemingly thrust upon us, so many of us are operating on auto-pilot and simply trying to keep up with the pace of life. Our focus seems to be on simply surviving, or if not in survival mode, then the focus is often on money, accomplishments, status,, achievement and material things.
It is often the case that we actually value things in life which we rarely take time to connect with and focus our attention on. Time spent understanding your values is rarely wasted, as for most of us, our programmed beliefs and behaviours are not in alignment with who we really are. The things that truly inspire us, motivate us and make us true are often suppressed and hidden.
Successful business people often reach a point, call it a mid-life crisis, where what used to keep them happy, motivated and feeling successful, no longer seems so important. Or they reach a point where it feels impossible to balance success at work with a happy relationship, family and home-life. Maybe their values have changed, maybe they have finally been unearthed after a period of denial, chasing false dreams that do not lead to fulfilment….? Awareness of our true selves is the key here.
Even when your home-life and relationship seems great, it can get a bit stale or reach a plateau. Maybe you both would like to explore what more there is, what higher levels of connection and understanding can be achieved. All of this is possible and highly enlightening. Through our values elicitation tool and giving you an understanding of each other’s motivations and human needs – connection, communication and intimacy can sky-rocket!
If you are single (again), this level of self-awareness is what leads to selecting an ideal partner next time around. Knowing what you want (and what you don’t want), plus distinguishing between must-haves and ‘nice-to-haves’, avoids the selection mistakes of the past and breaks the cycle.
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Does this story ring true for you?
In the early years of marriage, women are typically the ones who regularly check in to see: "Have we had enough closeness today?", "Are we spending enough time together?", "Do we feel connected emotionally?" If the answer to these questions is "Yes", life goes on. If not, women pursue for more closeness. They tell their husbands, "You don't value our relationship anymore", "We never do anything together", "Why do you always put work ahead of me?" Instead of recognising their wives need for more closeness, men will often simply feel nagged and withdraw, emotionally and maybe physically too. Becoming a little frustrated, the woman soon tries another approach- complaining about their partners. "I feel like a single parent", "You are such a couch potato", "Why don't you ever lift a finger around the house? I do everything myself." Although they are still only trying to get their spouses' attention, men recoil big time. (see Criticism – one of the 4 causes of relationship failure). After months or years of this negative interaction, women finally give up. They tell themselves, "I've tried everything. Divorce has got to be better than this. I'll find somebody who cares about me. Even if I don't, I'm so alone in this marriage, I can't take it anymore. I know I'll be happier without him." And, with that, they plan their escape.
Adapted from ‘The Divorce Remedy’ by Michelle Weiner Davies
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Are you learning from your experiences?
As far back as 1983, behavioural scientists found that they were able to predict, with over 90 percent accuracy, what was going to happen to a relationship over a three-year period just by examining their physiology and behaviour during a conflict discussion, and later just from an interview about how the couple viewed their past. The scientists found almost identical patterns of behaviour existed for couples four years later (those that had not already split up) – in 69% of cases the same topics were causing conflict. So no learning or helpful modifications in behaviour and communication had occurred. These same scientists went on to develop an understanding of why relationships fail and how to avoid the common causes of relationship failure i.e: Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.
Communication is only 7% about the words that you use; 38% is your tonality and a massive 55% is your physiology (body language). As well as your thoughts, we can teach you how to master your tonality and body-language in order to enjoy massively different results, not only in your intimacy, but in every day communication.
Taking full responsibility for your outcomes and learning is essential if the mistakes of the past are to be avoided. Consider this: if you feel fair or even noble by accepting 50% of the blame for the failure of your relationship – are you also denying 50% of the responsibility too? Successfully moving on and avoiding making the same mistakes can only be guaranteed if you both take 100% responsibility for yourselves and do not blame or try to change your partner.
An extended study of couples over 20 years found a different group of people, who did not display heated conflicts and ‘red’ behaviour, but who surprisingly started divorcing after 16-22 years. These people were typically calm, in control of their lives and ‘pillars of the community’. Typically, these divorces caused much surprise amongst the couple’s peer group. On revisiting the initial videotapes interviews, the scientists discovered a lack of obvious love and connection – a kind of neutral relationship, lacking in affection and humour. This demonstrates both a lack of ‘green-ness’, lack of blue-pink polarity and possibly complacency. Separate research has identified the number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict. Honesty and openness is a must.
An understanding of this pink and blue sexual energy, when combined with managing where you are on the red-green continuum, will turn around your success in relationships. It also allows you to accept, take responsibility and move on from previous relationship failures.
The final important piece of the scientist’s research was that as well as (i) handling conflict, (ii) friendship, humour and intimacy, (iii) there was a third important factor in relationship success: a joint sense of purpose and meaning. Here at Executive Relationship Coaching, we have many years of expertise in helping our clients to identify their true purpose. We facilitate the creation of shared vision, under-pinned by a clear understanding of values, through our process to elicit your values and all the underlying motivating factors.
Is Divorce Inevitable?
Each year there are some 270,000 marriages in the UK and 150,000 divorces. Each year divorce directly affects 80,000 more children – more than a million children are affected by divorce in the UK. In the Western World there are 20,000 divorces per week – that’s 1,000,000 per year.
The reasons given for divorce (as filed at the courts) is 45% Unreasonable Behaviour and 21% Adultery. The reality that 80% of relationships suffer from infidelity, as a result of an inability to keep off ‘the road to fear’ and its associated behaviours, plus the inevitable consequences of loss of connection and lack of a healthy, balanced polarity in the relationship.
The grass can often seem greener elsewhere, especially when there is a misalignment between partners’ values, compounded by ‘red’ behaviour, both leading to severe disconnection. When in a state of fear, anxiety or depression, things always seem worse than they are, and we tend to focus on negatives and blow them out of proportion. In this state of mind, failure becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Before making any decisions, a rational view of the whole state of the relationship is required.
Some of us unfortunately get together for entirely the wrong reasons (without any rational basis). Others of us have started to understand ourselves better and have changed, or maybe we realise that we don’t understand ourselves and decide to change our lives in order to ‘find ourselves’. In either case, this can lead to one person (or both) in the relationship changing and growing apart from the other.
So for some of us, ending a relationship with grace, understanding and acceptance is the best option.
When contemplating staying together for the kids, or when there is a clear determination from both parties to make it work, then developing a deep understanding of each other’s needs and values is essential. There are 6 fundamental human needs, plus we all have dozens of values and valued activities that compete for our attention. In all cases of value or need, we can meet that value or need in a ‘red’ way that can be considered unhealthy and likely to cause relationship stress, or we can meet them in a more healthy ‘green’ way.
There are relationship therapists who believe most marriages are worth saving. It is certainly the case that through the power of truth, firstly with yourself and then with your spouse or partner, there are few problems that are insurmountable. A majority of marriages fail due to lack of communication, lack of affection, criticism/nagging and contempt, as opposed to the more serious issues where they are better off terminated for the health and well-being of everyone involved.
Here at Executive Relationship Coaching, we can show you how you are meeting your human needs right now - the positive and negative effects on your relationship, plus we have a process to elicit your values and underlying motivations, which again can have different effects on your level of connection with others. This is a sophisticated process that can lead to dramatic insights and decisions made to improve your and your partner’s experience of life and each other, with immediate effect.
Be the change that you want to see…..
Can I overcome infidelity… an affair?
The bottom line on affairs and infidelity is that they are down to one or most likely both partners not getting their needs met. At a more subtle level there is likely to be a misalignment in each other’s values as well.
As a result, one or most likely both partners are getting their needs met in an unhealthy way – which is what infidelity is. The act of infidelity gets branded as sacrilege against the marriage vows and trust in the relationships – which it is. Yet, in the cold light of day, infidelity is simply one manifestation of getting unfulfilled needs met. Whilst we do not condone or trivialise infidelity, in many ways, it is a similar response as Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness and Stonewalling, or some of the addictive behaviours that we adopt when we are not happy and seeking external stimulation, such as over eating, drinking, gambling, pornography etc.
When you work on yourself, so that you can meet your needs in healthy way, you climb out of the red and into the green (see above). From a green perspective, it is possible to show love, understanding and compassion, for yourself and your partner, seeing through their behaviour. From this perspective, anything is possible – including overcoming infidelity.
Does Divorce Lead to Happiness?
Getting divorced does not necessarily lead to happiness. In fact, the two are not really linked at all. The wounds can last for several years, as can the nagging doubt over doing it better next time, or the entrenchment of ‘never again’. It is vital to regain any lost identity and in fact find your true identity, cut emotional ties with any negative past emotions. When it is impossible not to see your ex, you don’t have the luxury of time to help the healing process – so only understanding and acceptance will work.
The terrible divorce statistics for first marriages (fast approaching 50% failure rate), only get worse second (65% failure) and third time around (75% failure).
Research in the USA has indicated that divorced individuals are no happier 5 years after their divorce, than when they were getting divorced (even those that had remarried). Divorce did not typically reduce symptoms of depression, raise self-esteem, or increase a sense of mastery. The same study showed that five years later, two thirds of those on the verge of divorce, who stayed together, were in fact significantly happier [Note: the research showed an improvement in happiness, as opposed to high levels of happiness]. Three reasons were given for this: (i) enduring problems… which eventually eased, (ii) working to solve problems, change behaviour, or improve communication, (iii) the individuals finding alternative ways to improve their own happiness and build a good and happy life despite a mediocre marriage (in this study, three out of four unhappily married adults were married to someone who was happy with the marriage).
OK, so divorce is not, at least in itself, the answer to a happier future!
In our experience, only truth and learning can set you free from the past and ensure that the future is brighter. Whilst time can gradually reduced the intensity and rawness of any feelings, it takes learning to do things differently to create an empowering new future.
What are you teaching your children?
Family Dynamics shows us how the experience of Love that a child has, is the sum of the amount of love experienced between the child and its parents and the love between the parents. So, if Mum and Dad are only experiencing Love at a 2 out of ten (2/10), Dad and little Johnny are a 5/10 and Mum and Johnny connect at 8/10 then Johnny’s overall experience of Love is 15/30 – far less than you would hope for him and not a great basis from which he can experience relationships and bring his own children into the world.Dr Patrick Dixon, author of ‘The Rising Price of Love’ states: “We now know that children from divorced homes are four times more likely to have problems with behaviour, nightmares, bedwetting, and stomach pains. They do worse in the classroom and are more prone to depression…. They are more likely to leave home early or run away, to leave school with no qualifications. They are more likely to get into early relationships, to get pregnant as teenagers, to marry early and then get divorced…. Where children have experienced several break-ups they are ten times as likely to have severe behavioural problems.”
The children of divorced parents are almost twice as likely to repeat the past that they grew up with and become divorced themselves. Some parents say "I wish I knew then what I know now" when looking back and regretting the impact of divorce upon their children.
How Can I Make the Changes I Need To Make?
If you have read the above text, then you will appreciate that there are answers and solutions to all of the relationships issues surrounding separation and divorce. There is no quick fix – however, there is a process, which at the end of the day is relatively simple and can be made easy and enjoyable with commitment from yourself and, if you are together, your partner.
The key to change and unlocking the full potential of yourself and your relationship is within our A.U.T.H.E.N.T.I.C. transformation process. The first steps are awareness, understanding and acceptance.
With an awareness of: (i) where you are starting from, (ii) your situation being far from unusual or unique, (iii) a glimpse of what is possible, (iv) decisions on where you would like to get to, plus (v) the determination to make lasting positive change – all things are possible.
To avoid the pain that separation and divorce causes, whatever your sitiuation, this is what you need to do:
STEP 1 - Invest in our Values Elicitation tool and process. As well as the tool, we include 90 minutes of coaching and mentoring, to make sure you get the most from it. Your investment is: £175.
STEP 2 - get your education by attending our workshops. We recommend our complete package of three workshops, lasting 6 days in total.
STEP 3 – Take some 1:1 coaching to fine tune your requirements and the best support tht we can give you.
We have packaged these 3 steps into our complete Authentic Transformation Package, priced at only £847, that's a saving of £180. Click here to book your Authentic Transformation.
To read more about the benefits of our approach, click here.
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*The Map of Consciousness is a concept developed by Dr David Hawkins, form his book ‘Power vs. Force – The Hidden Determinants of Human Behaviour’, published by Hay House
**The ‘Road To Fear’ and ‘The Road To Love’, being ‘in the red’ or ‘in the green’ are concepts originally developed by Tony Vee, www.tonyandnickivee.com
***The four causes of relationship failure comes from research at ‘The Love Lab’ and work by John Gottman, including a talk: ‘The Mathematics of Love’ and his book “10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage”
